francine@francineronis.com
Back to school can be a hectic, stressful, and emotional time of year for families, making coping with back to school stress essential for many parents. Some are relieved to have their children occupied during the day, while others miss the closeness that summer brings. Most parents experience a mix of both feelings, just as children do. When the school year begins, expectations run high, time is at a premium, and we often feel a bit behind. A holistic psychotherapist might suggest several strategies for managing this transition and addressing the stressors that accompany it.
**Don’t Over Schedule**
Our busy lifestyle can lead to overscheduling our children. As outdoor playtime decreases, parents often compensate by enrolling kids in numerous activities, filling weekends with planned fun. While this isn’t inherently wrong, mindful parenting requires us to pay close attention. Children need downtime to process their day, relax, and grow. Staying home allows them the opportunity to figure out how to entertain themselves and explore their interests when boredom strikes. By providing ample home time, we help them cultivate independence and creativity. As winter approaches, seize opportunities for cooking together, playing board games, and sharing stories as a family.
**Find Time to Connect with Your Child**
As children grow, it may seem like they prefer being with friends rather than family, which is developmentally appropriate. However, parents must remember that kids genuinely need us. Their home remains their safe base. Dedicating time and space for open conversation is vital. Whether it’s taking walks, establishing weekend traditions (like enjoying bagels or ice cream), or ensuring at least one family meal daily, these rituals foster closeness. Literacy experts advocate reading to children throughout their lives, even into adolescence, as it builds better readers and nurturing family bonds.
**Don’t Ask Too Many Questions**
When kids come home from school, many parents instinctively ask, “How was school?” or inquire about their grade. These well-meaning questions, while innocent, can feel limiting. They resemble an adult asking, “How’s work?”—often leading to short, uninspired conversations. Children, like adults, may prefer discussing hobbies, favorite books, or new friendships. Many parents have asked about their day only to receive little or no information in return. Kids compartmentalize their school day; for some, the day is behind them, making them hesitant to share. To nurture mindful parenting, try a different approach that encourages dialogue without pressuring them.
**Respect Your Child’s Autonomy**
Many reasons exist for a child's reluctance to share details of their day. Instead of bombarding them with questions, try a warmer approach: “It’s so nice to see you. I’ve missed you,” or comment on something you notice, like, “Wow, the paint on your shirt suggests you had a fun day!” Share something about your own day or a lighthearted story to invite conversation. When meeting new or old friends, express enthusiasm about seeing them and inquire about their interests, like favorite books or hobbies. Children feel more seen this way and are likelier to open up. If they remain silent, resist the urge to fill that space. Children are naturally contemplative and will share when they feel ready. A stroll or car ride, especially in silence, can lead to meaningful conversations with teens.
Sending a child to school or leaving them with Grandma for a weekend means relinquishing the opportunity to witness every moment of their lives. We may catch glimpses, but will not see the entire picture. Our role as parents involves both letting go and ensuring their safety. Kids need to know we trust they are safe and that they’ll come to us when needed, respecting their independence and desire for privacy.
**Some Final Thoughts**
By keeping lines of communication open, creating time and space for shared experiences, responding with empathy, and honoring silence, we can positively influence our relationships with our children. These steps are essential for managing back to school stress and fostering a nurturing environment now and in the future.
Mindful Parenting with Francine Ronis, LPC, 571-213-9215, Last weekend was particularly challenging for me. It was filled with yelling, doors slamming, and crying... and that was just my reaction! My five-year-old was even more overwhelmed. While this chaos isn’t typical in our home, I do have my moments. You’d think that as a Holistic Psychotherapist with ten years of experience teaching young children, I would have mastered the art of parenting, especially when coping with back to school stress. And I do, most of the time. However, there are moments when I hear my mother’s voice echoing in my words, sounding less kind and nurturing than I'd prefer. I’m sure you can relate. Usually, we remain calm, understanding, loving, and patient with our children. So, what happens in those moments when emotions hijack us, leaving us questioning our parenting abilities? More importantly, how can we minimize these occurrences? What I practice and teach other parents is what I call Mindful Parenting. It's a method that is not only beneficial for children but also transformative for all kinds of relationships. I didn’t create the term; there are many insightful books on it. My approach consists of three steps. The first step is establishing a meditation practice. I know how busy moms can be, and a long meditation session might feel unrealistic. I'm not suggesting a weekend retreat in the woods or an hour-long morning routine, although those do sound lovely! Instead, consider dedicating just five to fifteen minutes each morning to focus on your breath before getting out of bed. This simple act can dramatically shift your day. Allow your mind to drift away from distractions while you set your intention for the day—it can be a small but powerful practice. When we take time to quiet our ‘monkey mind,’ we gain moments of calm and clarity. As you become accustomed to this routine, you might find yourself waking earlier to practice more or skipping your morning coffee for a few extra breaths. Meditation alters the brain chemically and physically; it can lower heart rate and blood pressure, and even boost intelligence! Monks are known for extending their lifespans through meditation. After your meditation, state your intention for the day; make it positive—something like, “Today, I will embrace calm” or “This day will be filled with love and laughter for my family.” Step two involves taking one or two deep breaths whenever you feel stressed throughout the day. If you've meditated earlier, those inhalations will help you return to that peaceful state, granting you the time to respond more thoughtfully. Step three encourages you to reflect when you feel the urge to react. Ask yourself, “Why is this situation so upsetting to me?” Often, you will find your reaction stems not from what's happening with your child—or spouse or boss—but from underlying worries such as, “Will my child struggle to make friends?” or “What will the other parents think of me?” If you’re experiencing strong feelings of disrespect or feeling overlooked (sound familiar?), it’s typically linked to past experiences. For me, it’s the feeling of being ignored. When my daughter tunes me out (which many five-year-olds tend to do), I find myself reverting to childhood feelings of neglect. By breathing and acknowledging these feelings, I can be more present with her and respond appropriately. Take some time to reflect—either in the moment or later—to recognize when you first experienced these feelings. Journaling can be an effective way to process this. As you begin to acknowledge and heal these emotions, you will find your reactions to your child are less intense when they push those buttons. Being mindful of our relationships with our children is vital because our interactions shape their lives. When we remain present and loving most of the time, our occasional slip-ups won't carry as much weight. By working to disentangle our old wounds from the triggers our children present, and taking responsibility for our actions, we pave the way to raise children who will also take ownership of their feelings and actions. Namaste.